Sunday, September 27, 2009

Photography portfolio

I want to do something with this but am not sure yet exactly what the hell to do... fun.

Good pics

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

4 cats 1 dog and a hamster

Yeah we have too many pets... I like pets mine you but I know my limitations. I like all kinds of critters but don't think my home should be out numbered buy them. It all started a few years back when my wife brought home our first kitty, Shoes. She was small and like those lovable domesticated animals that we share life with have the perfect protection mechanism to most people... the cuteness factor. Just something that makes you act like a 2 year old and say "Awwww isn't it cute" and there lies in the beginning of an illness.

For me for starters, I will take in strays and try to find adoptable homes for them. I don't have to keep them. I think there are enough good animals that need good homes out there that there are families that will take care of them. So when the call arises that's when I like to step up to the plate and make the best of it and do my part.

But then you have those like my wife... she's a cat person. Yes I like cats, but I grew up in a one pet at a time family. Somehow this gave me the sense to be able to devote my attention the the animal I wanted to care for. My wife grew up with several dogs that were in the home until they passed on (and for the longest time I couldn't sway her to keep a dog because she had it set in her mind she didn't like them any more, personally I think she didn't like the idea of the amount of attention you have to devote to our canine friends). When she got out on her own she got a cat, and when we moved we couldn't have him with us so we had to find him a home. It wasn't ideal but that's just how life is sometimes (I won't go into how I really don't care for how she takes care of animals because this cat was one of the most flea ridden creatures I had ever seen, I think somewhere along the way they formed intelligent societies just to make my life a living hell).

Back to the post at hand... Yes we have 4 cats, 1 dog, and a hamster. Personally I can deal with 1 of our cats (as far as I really would miss him if he were gone), no hamsters (they are fun for a short while then it's blah) and my pup (she's my buddy right now).

But what do I do? I tried looking at my wife and telling her that I was done with taking care of all the cats on my own and wanted to put my foot down and get rid of them all at one point because I was feeling overwhelmed and had no help with them, hence she has started to help with the boxes now and my son feeds them. So they are showing me they want them but I think they are finding out as I did that having 4 cats in the house is just too much. Not only is there the issue of taking care of them there is also the personality conflicts which aren't getting any better.

When we had 3 it was fine for a while but then my wife brought a 4th one home all went to hell with our smallest girl. She just has never gotten along with him and I think it's due to his size (he's an big boy and still young). With her I don't know if I ever intended on really keeping her. She was a rescue from a stray that use to come around the house the mamma cat brought us all her kittens to take into our home and she had such beautiful markings that I feel into the "AWWWW" trap, but she's nuts, her name is Skittles and I call her our little schizoid. we gave the 4 siblings and the mamma to my mother in law which took them to Maryland and she reports to use they are all pretty well adjusted but have their own kookiness about them also. So I am torn about seperating her... and I know it's more me than anything else. In the end it would probably be best for us and her if she did have a new family to call her own. A domain that she could rule from and not feel invaded.

For my part though I think having all the kitties just isn't for me it's just too much in the cleaning and feeding department. Going back to what I said before... 1 cat, 1 dog... I can live with that. I would be able to have my time for both my cat, Tigger, and my new puppy, Bambi. They are both different but they are the ones I identify with the most. We got Tigger to be a companion to the kitty my wife brought home 3 years ago, Shoes, which they are siblings from a shelter and we didn't want her to be lonely while we were both working and not home as much. So we got him and he ended up latching onto me and we bonded well and he really liked having his sister close he is deffinitely a social creature.

We got my pup Bambi because my wife had brought home a rescue lab mix and soemthing felt right with having a puppy in the home but she was going to be too big and she played too rough for our lifestyle with having a 5 year old, but just having her here tugged at my heart and I felt that something was missing. My wife had the cats she had wanted for so long... now I wanted MY dog. So the search began...

Cragslist is a great thing... it's where I found a home for the lab mix and where we found Bambi at. I wanted a puppy. So we went on the hunt and a short time after we decided that this was going to be a decission I was allowed to make. I had to decide on the traits... we found several but none called out to me even with me making calls. Then there was one ad that struck me and the "Aww" thing happened again. It was for a littler of beagle/lab mixes and the physical traits from the pics were striking to me, they just reached out. So we made the arrangement and went to look at them about an hour away from our home, and while I don't condone byb by any means this offered me an oppurtunity to give a pup a home that might have had less than stellar chances of survival if things weren't right.

They were all adorable... 5 girls. We were told the momma was a lemon spotted beagle and thier colors were cute but not really beagley I guess you would say ( there was only one that was and I wanted it but I let our son pick out the one we was taking home so we ended up with one of the four others that all looked the same).

Bambi's been good for me, we bonded fast and she is still a pup but learning pretty well. She's not going to be big, but I'm not going to be able to carry her around in a damn purse either. My wife (who has been adament that she is not a dog person) has even warmed up to her. In ways she has helped to bring us a little closer together. Seeing my son and her together it's like having 2 kids in the house... they play and he giggles and they both get loud and I have to yell for them to settle down but they have fun. We just never got that from our cats, but they are different and have different needs.

But now we are back to where we started we just have too many animals. Through our own weakness and fallacy we have no been outnumbered for quite sometime, and while the home has been divided up with the responsibilities finally I just somehow feel lacking in the care that we give our pets... Kind of like having too many kids, that while you will love them all but inadvertently will be closer to some then the others and somehow that doesn't feel right.

Maybe I am making excuses, maybe I just need to wait and see how this all will work. If i ever needed to feel like I had to have a purpose in life this could just be the answer for now, only time will tell.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Am I finally getting bored

I have been out of work for 2 and a half years now... my illness is controlled about the best it's going to. My weight doesn't fluctuate anymore. We've been through money woes and legal issues. I've watched 100's of movies and we have added 2 more cats, over a dozen hamsters (all but one died) and a puppy to our family. I have had to deal with inlaws and my wifes work habits being erratic for quite sometime, but even with this I am starting to become weary.

I love having the puppy and it's great to be able to raise a child. I never got that chance with my daughter. I still don't talk about her and maybe it's for the best. My son is turning out to be a good buddy and he loves his transformers... It's something we get to bond a lot over. It's amazing getting to watch him grow and change, form his own opinions and become independant.

I'm not working on trying to understand this thing much any more, bipolar is just a fact of my life. I can't do anymore to fight it than what I am doing. I just make the best of my days that I can, though sometimes that understanding doesn't always come easy to my loved ones, it's the only life I can live.

Until later, good luck and good night.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Just an update

I'm still waiting on my pc memory it's been a month since my pc crashed and finances just haven't agreed. I want my stuff to be up and running because sharing one pc just plain sucks.

The in-laws are back in town... The second time in a month which is always a joy.

We got a puppy, her name is Bambi. She is beagle and lab... she is so damn cute and does great with the family. It's like having a second kid in the house with how she likes to play with my son and harass the cats.

Wife hasn't worked a full pay period this year, then she complains about money. About a month and a half ago she got a paycheck for a whopping $99 for two weeks of work. This is for the birds.

I don't know much anymore. I just try to take shit in stride... having the pup around has helped with some of my shit with the pc. She keeps me busy and all and I can stare at her for hours and feel contented.

All the hamsters are dead... wife isn't taking care of the cats. I want to get rid of two of them but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I figure I have the pup she can take care of the cats. That is the pets she wanted. Only one I think I would miss is Tigger and that's because he has been here for me since he was a few weeks old and has been my buddy.

Oh well I know this post is random but that doesn't matter... I just needed to type something this morning so here I am.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


So me and the wife had an argument and it involved my mother. Do I feel like a schmuck? No. Am I right? No but I feel that I am not wrong either. See in the past I have had a drinking problem. Am I a drunk no. Am I a recovering alcoholic that has a problem with twelve step programs and the divinity of a higher power yes and maybe that’s my fallacy. Maybe if I can’t believe in Yahweh, Jehovah, Buddha, or Mohammad or the any other of the prophets, maybe I need to go to hell or I like my chances that I am right and I am only 50% wrong and I don’t have to fight with the 110 religions out there to make my damn point… But then again I like simple and the easier softer way has always appealed to me. Life isn’t always meant to be so damned hard except to those that hold the belief to be true. Maybe I just need the typing practice. Who knows either way I got my mother to tell me to “fuck off” and my wife to say she wasn’t taking me anywhere with my dog if I was going to be drinking… poor mutt… she’s such a good girl.

But I digress. This isn’t all about me… nope… I know my ins and outs. I’ve lived long enough to hear about my fuck ups and what women think about those. I know I am an evil bastard that will take the fall in the end. I know I am not special. I know that I can run and hide but the drugs will only hide my problems and depression. But with does drinking a few beers every other week monitored by those that are close to me matter if they cause no real problems? Are these online entities more real to me than my wife? I know they don’t relate to her, as I don’t much either. Yes I said a few beers. I cut back from whiskey when it became a problem. But does a true alcoholic know when to do that? Do I have DT’s? No… Do I put my family at risk? No? Have I cheated on my wife? Not since on meds? Have I beat anyone? Not from drinking. So why am I not allowed to trust myself? Why am I the evil bastard. Why am I the fucktard? Why do I do the things I hate so much..

I am not bad, evil, hateful ( though sometimes it’s hard to fight). I find myself a socialist, a lover, a kind person with a warm heart that just needs some love and attention that get’s goofy once in a bit. I believe in a person standing on their own and taking a stand for what is right… fighting the good fight and winning. I fucking like Obama. I voted for him, first time in eight years because I didn’t believe John Kerry didn’t stand a chance against Bush 3 weeks before the 2004 elections and the Obama tapes. I knew that asshole was going to pull something out of the slip. But that didn’t make me the way I am… I am who I am.

When I cheated I was on a 12 step program… believing in a higher power… not fighting it. Because it was simple. When I put the hole in my living room door it was because of meds and that was simple, animalistic, non rational. When I beat my wife and son from being asleep, it was on meds. That was simple, no thought needed. But yet I am at fault because I can control drinking and do what relaxes me. Mom fucks me, the wife fucks me, Communicare doesn’t release my records for the courts, and I am losing my case because my wife thinks she is taking the moral high road that she wouldn’t have 5 years ago and saying I am a fucking drunk when she knows it’s wrong ( she got mad at me with my PDOC and told him I was in relapse when I wasn’t) and is going to cost us 12 grand a year and no she won‘t turn around and say she is wrong that would mean she is losing control. Yes \we need the money… I wish I could be Canadian or fucking French… Socialism is so much better understood there. I want to work but not with assholes that bitch about wage for the same job. I want to be useful because I suck at house cleaning. I’m good with our son but that’s neither here nor there. I want more and damnit I worked for my time and I have a illness and I want my dues. Fuck them, damn back woods country bumpkins. They don’t realize Bipolar is a physical illness and not just a mood disorder. I feel like I am 10 years ahead of the system. No damn joke.

But anywho I am watching Wargames. The wife is pissed but wrong. Mom is pissed and we singed off with a fuck you. So I am batting a thousand and I will leave it at that. Have fun!